A Reading List for Friending IRL

Friendship has been on my mind lately. Since becoming a mother and making the decision to stay at home with my child, I’ve discovered a new sort of lonely I hadn’t known before. Before that, my days were so full of different activities outside the home that I didn’t feel a need for friends. Besides, making friends had never really come naturally to me, I am a historically bad friend whenever I’ve had any, and I was raised on the idea that family is all you need. It’s true, family is always going to be there for you, but it’s not the same. For better or for worse, they have to like you and be nice to you (at least that’s how it works in my family). I realized that I was missing a huge piece in my life puzzle that would only enrich my human experience. And I really want my daughter to grow up with examples of healthy female friendship.

All of this may sound crazy to some of you, but many introverts can probably relate. Introverts, like myself, prefer a couple of very close friends to have deep conversations and experiences with. But it’s very hard to find and engage with those people at first. Furthermore, friendship is an even bigger problem in the cultural sense. Technology and social media give us the illusion that we have tons of friends. In reality, most of us know a lot of people, but we still feel empty because we make no real effort to connect with them on a regular basis in deep or meaningful ways.

Recently, I read a couple of new books on the topic of female friendship. Perhaps the greatest lesson I learned from these books is that making and keeping friends is difficult, must become a priority in your life to see any results, and requires initiative. Friends aren’t just going to appear in your life, but it’s totally worth the effort to find women you can share life with. I don’t waste time on self-help books if I really don’t intend to change or take action, but this is an area I really wanted to work on. As a result, I’m glad I read these two books and would suggest them to anyone who wants to make friends but isn’t sure where to start.

Frientimacy by Shasta Nelson

Nelson’s book encourages you to make a list of friends/possible friends and then get to work. While filled with real suggestions for practicing the concepts within, the book focuses a lot on self love and overcoming obstacles to friendship, such as envy and jealousy. I’ll admit, it took me a lot longer than usual to get through this book, but the bulleted summaries at the end of each chapter were helpful. Nelson also includes lots of (free) companion materials and resources for the book on her website. I was inspired to immediately put some of the author’s tips into practice and I have already seen results! It’s amazing what happens when you are friendly and take initiative, right?

Better Together by Jill Savage

This book is specifically for mothers and is much more biblically driven. Many principles in the book overlap with Frientimacy, but I found it a lot easier to read because it is less philosophical/psychological and more action-oriented with real-life stories for examples; in other words, if Frientimacy is more “why,” Better Together is more “how.” The cover of this book is kind of ew, but Savage is truly gifted in uplifting readers and showing the power of God’s love in building friendships. I thought each of these books complemented the other well, and I’m glad I read both. They left me feeling totally motivated!

Better Together quotes Dale Carnegie in saying, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” How accurate this is! However, I do think it’s important to know yourself well if you want to be a better friend. In addition to the two new releases above, here are some backlist books that I like for discovering more about who you are:

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

How do you best give and receive love? This book can help you find out. Although it’s more directed toward married couples, we are definitely called to love our friends too. Read to find out whether your primary Love Language is Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, or Physical Touch.

StrengthsFinder 2.0 by Tom Rath

I will forever sing the praises of StrengthsFinder. It beats all other personality assessments, in my opinion. It is incredibly accurate and specific, and it focuses on what your strongest skills are and how to use them. I’ve seen it used most in workplace settings but, again, knowing your personality and strengths is always going to come in handy in relationships and friendships.